Making a fool of yourself is never a bad thing..

Last week I thought I actually should pay my GP a visit, for three reasons:

- Get results from an ultra sound scan I had back in May.

- Ask him whether I have MS or could go blind at any time.

- Have a general chat about my health and anxiety issues.

So there I was in the Doctors surgery, waiting, which is an anxiety episode in itself. There's so many posters and leaflets telling you to check this or check that; or do you have these symptoms; or did you know you are at risk of this disease or that condition.

I always try my hardest not to look at these but the more you try the more you end up looking at them and reading them- you can't escape them- they call out to you like a crazed demon monkey …"look at me…you know you want too".

I finally distracted myself by texting my sister Lilly every five minutes with how long I was having to wait to see the doctor. I forgot my book and of course I couldn’t read the leaflets, so I started talking to the person next to me. A middle aged chap with no hair and no coat. We found common ground in complaining about the wait. FINALLY- my name came up on the screen- YES its my turn….I walked in.

I like my GP- he always listens and brings a real human side to the medical profession. (I'm terrified of medical anything, places, nurses, doctors, even stethoscopes). Any way he reassured me that I don’t have MS and that I'm not randomly going to go blind suddenly with no good reason. Phew.. That was a relief.

He then read out my scan results report- "everything is fine", he said,  "although the clinician who carried out the scan did note that you were highly anxious".

Wow, I thought I can't believe she mentioned that in the report. Although thinking back I can believe it- I made a complete fool of myself. As already mentioned I am petrified of medical establishments, medical people, medical tests, medical anything, so I was in pieces at the health centre- about to have a scan which could reveal a number of serious illnesses.

 The only way I could think to stop myself running out of there was to sing a song while the clinician was conducting the scan. I know!! What was I thinking? But it seemed to be my only survival measure at the time. I didn’t care if she thought I was possessed, needed a tranquiliser shot or a scan of my head…I was going to sing, sing like a skateboarding goblin- to numb my fears and that was that.

So what did I sing?... Twinkle twinkle little star…why that song popped into my head will remain an unsolved crime…may be it was the only song I could remember all the words to at the time…who knows? I certainly don't.

Recalling the story to my good friend Cecil later- he remarked that he thought I should have gone for a more sophisticated song choice.. Maybe he's right but at that torturous moment…twinkle twinkle saved the day…I'll always be grateful to it.

Love Amelia.

Scaredy Cats should get the cream too...

Its not simple- I want to change my life. I've been drowning in a tanker of darkness, stagnancy and negativity for the last two years and I won't have it any more.

I want to do an experiment- I want to see if someone like me - who suffers from severe health anxiety and is completely petrified of the unknown, the future, pretty much everything can turn this around, knock it on the head and say cheerio to my demons.

This is somewhat of a challenge considering my brain is hardwired to think of the worst- so in this case it has to be 'I am doomed to fail this'. But am I? I don’t have a clue but in the spirit of the part of my brain who is a nice chap - I am completely curious to find out.

You may think oh that’s easy - just make a plan and stick to it. But the thing is I have a huge obstacle - pretty much every minute of the day I think there is something physically wrong with me - Ive been through an amazing array of diseases and conditions, which if anyone has suffered or is suffering from health anxiety will be familiar with. So far I have been convinced that I have:

• Multiple Sclerosis
• Brain tumour
• Motor Neuron Disease
• Diabetes
• Lupus
• Blindness
• Ovarian cancer
• Womb cancer
• Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma
• Every other cancer
• Rare neurological or muscle wasting diseases

I could go on but that would be immodest of me.


Anyway to get back to the point - thinking I have all these really does put a dampener on me bringing change to my life. You see I think I have these because the symptoms you get with anxiety replicate the symptoms of almost if not all of the above conditions. And boy have a I had a plethora of symptoms since time began. I've had tingling, numbness, skin sensitivity, weird vision, weird hearing, stomach problems, headaches which go on for days, chronic shoulder pain and back ache.

I just can't seem to move on and do something different because I always have some ailment that crops out of the woodwork and makes me feel panicky and a feeling hits you which closely resembles walking around with a plastic bag over your head…gasping for a way out.

Present day- I'm going to see what happens if I ignore all ailments and make changes in my life, beginning today: Here are some realistic changes:

1.  Decorate my flat- it should be fun but I can't seem to make the first step.
2.  Socialise- I need to go out socially more in a larger group without fear that I'm going to get ill while I'm there.
3.  Holiday- I need to book a holiday (none for 3 years) and get on a plane without fear of getting ill and being away from home.
4.  Dating- I need to think about a future with someone and actually start dating again.

This blog isn't all about anxiety- its merely a thought outlet for whatever we find strange, disappointing, brilliant, beautiful, ugly- in the world as we know it right now. Any topic is acceptable.
Speak to you all next week
Love Amelia